Twenty One Questions

“No one honest has an easy life, and it’s aching for one that causes the most pain.”—Assassins Creed

I recently wrote about the second best question I’ve ever been asked. This has begged another question for a few people, “so what’s the first best, then?”

Well. It goes like this:

“Why is it so hard for you to believe there could be someone out there who wants to love you long enough to understand you?”

To this day that is the best question anyone has ever asked me. I think it might remain this way until the day I say I do.

Reason being, it is still one that exists in my head without a good answer. And I’ve spent a lot of time and energy seeking answers. Questioning why. Wondering how. Asking what next and then cursing the universe when I came out empty-handed.

It is a common sensation felt by people with anxiety.
I am not alone.
This is not a blessing nor a curse unique to me.

One of the most common trauma responses is to resist things that come our way because we feel like we don’t deserve them. Like we haven’t earned that level of goodness. The rug will be pulled out from under us any minute now..

So, I guess in my case, love is a great example.

While we are hardwired as humans to give and receive love, some of us are also hardwired to resist the things that are good for us.

We get skittish when things start feeling too good to be true.

I still don’t have an answer to that first best question, and I may spend the rest of my days on earth trying to figure it out.

But I do know one of the biggest favors you can do yourself in this life, is to let yourself be loved.

And maybe it’s easier said than done because of all the questions that can get in the way.

But there are moments in time when it’s best to just stop asking. Find still. Settle there. Because when it comes to another person’s love, all you have to do is surrender.

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