Plant First, Love Second

Some achey-heart ramblings of September 11, 2016 

Today I choose to trust that God has a greater plan.

So I have been feeling a lot of this feeling called nostalgia, lately. It is as though I am hanging on to something for dear life that no longer serves me. It is if has he has been out of my reach for a while now, literally sure. But in a more, metaphorical sense too, ‘were you ever even really there at all?’ type of way.

I’ve started to miss this old friend of mine because when I met him it felt like our worlds collided, for lack of a better, more vibrant description. [Think theories such as the big bang one]. I am unsure now if it is really him that I miss, or if it is that feeling that I felt  when were together. That feeling that made me think it was as if everything I had ever doubted, feared and loved gathered around at  the table of life to contemplate bright plans for a lovely future. Maybe even one that involved the two of us. ‘You and me together, we could do anything.’ He made me believe that.

In hindsight, and considering the way that I tend to arrange my thoughts [often times in black and white] I actually convinced myself that it HAD to be love at first glance and a few sights later.

I saw a reflection of myself; hope, flaws, burdens, triumphs, and every magic moment I’d ever experienced reflected back at me through this person, as if he was meant to be my God-appointed mirror. It felt like in his soul, he held all the missing puzzle pieces that could put mine back together again. His laugh sounded like a long lost friend, and his child like spirit ignited something inside of me that had been dormant for too long. We liked the same music, had similar life views and could talk for hours on end, about the past, present and future. I let myself be unfiltered and raw for the first time in forever.

To have someone understand your mind, that is a different kind of intimacy, one that I had never felt before. At the time, I truly thought I had met my soulmate.  

Young and naive I started thinking that all the stars in heaven aligned at just the right moment such that the whole universe conspired for us to meet, maybe even for us to be together. That’s what I had learned from all the movies, serendipity. Serendipity: a heart-breakingly beautiful illusion. Unfortunately that’s not quite how it works in real life.

The happy ending that I had envisioned never came. In fact, the dysfunction that lied beneath the surface of this relationship finally bubbled over, and ended up taking such a toll on my emotional well-being that I started to question everything. Tipped into delusion, I went from being the best version of myself to someone I could no longer recognize.

Never the less, I think this whole experience taught me lessons that I couldn’t have learned otherwise. A few of those being;

  1. Stick to your gut, if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.
  2. There is a difference between love and passion.
  3. Someone who truly loves you will not put you second.
  4. You do not deserve to be lied to, ever. Half-truths are lies too. “A half-truth is a whole lie.”
  5. Reciprocation is valuable.
  6. Do not use the “L” word on just anyone.
  7. Resentment is a waste of time and energy.
  8. Someone who truly cares about you will always respect your boundaries.

I have always had a thing for ancient proverbs. The one that comes to me at the moment as I reflect back on this part of my life; “Love, like rain, does not choose the grass on which it falls.” (South African Proverb.)  I’m not sure how I feel about love now. It is confusing to think a younger version of me might have understood (or at least thought she understood) what it means to be in love. And yet here I sit five years later skeptical as ever. I won’t go as far as saying I have given up on it. Too many people say that, just because the love they are reaching for seems hopelessly out of reach. No, I won’t go that far. There are still many valuable lessons to be learned. And probably more heartache that lies ahead.

But I have a new project to keep me busy for now, for now I will learn to love myself again.

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